Lost Innocence (for deverse; Fair)

I thought it

would be fair

way back when

before I learned

of atrocity

Sitting in a classroom

15, blinded by what

I thought it meant to

be human

Kind, compassionate,

loving

Then truth stabbed me

in that room filled with peers-

 

As we fixed our gaze

on a slideshow of genocide

mastered by a madman

supported by his followers

Men, women and children

all heaped in mass of

“ethnic cleansing”

I remember crying, unable

to sleep

asking my dad how such a thing

could happen, not once but

many times?

He shook his head

unable to find an answer. 

Always

I will be haunted

from the visions

of concentration camps.

 I felt my innocence

die that day.

and still I wonder
how life could be
so far from fair?

Ghost (for deverse; The Book of Dead Man)

Am I a ghost?

A lingering presence

caught between then

And now.

                        

It was not easy

shedding flesh

for spirit-

All the longing,

wishes I let die

I thought the mirrors lied-

Telling me I was dying

I wasn’t finished-

Prayers went unanswered

Glad I wasn’t a prophet

to my own demise

I was a fate

I never knew.

Sweet Love

Sweet love

I am the suddenness

in your sleep

Ghost of dreams

which slipped away

smoke through

stained glass-

Where your reflection

still lingers.

Daughter

And the world goes on

In her sped fast way

Leaving us here

A bit breathless

Longing for each other

Miles away

I reach for you

Remembering

How you pulled me back

From the darkness

Shedding light

With your innocence

Seeing joy

When I only saw shadows

Pulling me back

To a time

When I could breathe enough

For both of us

Shallow it feels now

Missing your face

Wishing you needed me

As much

Always I wonder

If the light still halos you

Always I wonder if the shadow

Of your absence will cradle me?

On Being Human (for deverse; Good News, Bad News, Your News)

From the beginning

falling

from a heavenly grace

which offered paradise

But paradise cannot feed the human

always hungry

always reaching the sweet fruit of truth

and the truth

can be so ugly

genocides of innocents

wiped away in a deluge

of hate and desire

for the perfect which

cannot be found.

Tribes of strength

bowing -

The faithful crying

for their God

and as the news of the day

wipes its mouth of constant crime

we try to wipe the tears away.

How The Voices Sing (for deverse; Under The Influence of Music)

Faith don't fail me now
I know how the voices sing.

I feel so alone
like a frightened child
when the winds howl
seeking solace in the dance
of words.


How their truth
rings so loud
in the silence
of all I have known.

The Lake (for deverse Travel Poetry)

“For the creator there is no poverty and no poor indifferent place.”

 Rainer Maria Rilke

                        

      

Heart stone, deeply buried

within the memory of a child

who saw her mother heal

alongside that quiet Lake

and came  alive joining me

in the wonder of it all

Her blue eyes

always so distant

as if chasing a dream

no one knew she had.

A dream of some far off place

where voices were kind and

came from the outside

easing the rage within her

Watching me swim-

still lingering on shore

anchored by doubt

The fear

she would be swept away

further than she had ever been.

Mother, stranger

lost in a tide I couldn’t see

only when she smiled

feeling so at home

did I witness

the transformation

seeing the child in her

connect  as she held my hand

 quickly letting go

When home came into view.  

Long Time The Darkness Held Me (for deverse; Poetics: Bringing Light to Darkness)

Long Time the darkness held me-

Took away all

I believed

I held my breath

in silence

Waiting for the shadows

to vanish

Long time

The darkness held me-

 When we were young

 we were burning

  
Black ash
smothering dreams. 

Long time the darkness held me

cradled babe in motherless arms

I hear her voice

in the distance:

“Please forgive me,

I was lost”

Blue sky haunted

by the echo of her words.

The Thinker (Rodin) A Nod to Rilke deverse 09/04/14

                   

How the head bows

beneath the weight of heaven-

 Didn’t he tell us

“To live the questions

 and perhaps some distant day

 we would live into the answers”?

 So far away they seem-

 A silent heaven waiting

 for us to accept that we

“stand upon the mountain top

 always saying goodbye.”

We  know

that is the answer-

All the farewells

threaded into our being

make  us whole,

Like  “moonlight

falling gently upon the window seat"

the nearness of it always. 

For The Old Man

“If it doesn’t come bursting out of you

In spite of everything

Don’t do it.”   Charles Bukowski

He spoke of a bluebird

He had inside

How he” poured whiskey on him

And inhaled cigarette smoke”.

I tried to drown mine

Its song too painful

To hear, I choked it with

Swallowed tears and smoke

Still it didn’t die

Worn on thin sleeves

Always feeling

Pushing, prodding me to sing

I couldn’t choke down the song

Life bled it from me

Year after year

The year my mother went crazy

The year my father died

The year love showed me

How cruel it could be

Life teaches the song

Blank pages filled with its notes

There is a harmony to the chaos

It’s called breathing.

Homecoming (for deverse; August 12, 2014)

Where would I go?

Always-

The flutter of clipped wings

in the distance

Never found a place

I wanted forever

Comfort seemed

short lived

Children grow

and fly away

To follow them

not the answer

Never found the roots

some have been able

to grow deep

Mine sparse

still feeling the breeze

of a distant land

The ocean calls

only to sweep

me back to shore

Once-

Eons ago

she was home

Now I visit

tasting the familiar

knowing I can’t stay forever.

Dorothy said:

“There’s no place like home.”

Is it all a dream,

The search for those

backyard diamonds?

Spirit

The echo

Of silence

Plays upon

Chaos

How would we

Find

Ourselves

Draped in the black

Of worldly things

Which smother  a spirit

Waiting to be born?

Holding breath

Sacred

It weeps in the shade

 no longer able

to breathe freely

each gasp

a struggle

to be heard.

For Them

He holds his head

anchored by the heaviness

of knowing

Staring into her eyes

the blue fading

misty gray from all the tears

Decades they remember

sharing the same window

high school sweethearts

Consummating love

in the tall grass

beneath a pale moon

Bowing trees paying

homage to the dark

where the years lie still

waiting to be born

The children came

one after the other

filling the tiny cabin

Rooms were added

love grew strong

an unbreakable bond

only death could sever

He holds his head

anchored by the heaviness

of knowing

He will leave it all behind

no choice was given

the fight now

draws to a close

All the weapons

piled high

useless armor

against the enemy.

She runs her fingers

through the few strands

remaining, still loving

as she waits another day

knowing soon she will

have to say good-bye

The River (for Ella)

The River

(For Ella)

Don’t you hear it?

The sweet sound

of her slumber

between the white sheets

breathing of sun from a noonday sky

where she hung them

as the wind whipped and lashed

the fairness from her face.

She stared toward the river

feeling it pulling her back

to that day when all above was

blue and still, until her heart

tore when she heard his cry

knowing she couldn’t save him

from something so deep.

Graduation Day

For Kayla

You stand out

amongst the crowd 

leaving childhood behind

    

to venture into the future

seeking the freedom of new

worlds.

 As I remember all the years-

Holding your hand

as we walked together

down the hall to your first

day of kindergarten, reluctantly

I let you go.

Visiting you at lunch

lonely for each other,

looking forward to Halloween

shedding formality for memories.

SPARC Park-

learning to swim,

always wanting to venture further-

reluctantly, I let you go.

Hearing you sing

to KT Tunstall

on the way to school

the beauty of your voice

filling me.

Fifth Grade Graduation-

as we blew bubbles

saying goodbye as you rode off

to another new beginning.

Seeing you grow

on stage, a favorite place

from “Character Matters”

to “The Tempest”.

The magic of you

lingers , all the things which

made up a life I will always treasure-

From Build a Bear, Webkins, Peter Rabbit

Polly Pocket to discovering the Beatles,

renewing my love for them.

Lana Del Rey lulling us into

far off places as we eagerly

anticipated seeing your sisters .

You have given me more than I

could ever have hoped for, filled

my days with wonder and beauty.

On this day, when you say goodbye

to childhood, reluctantly I let you go

hoping you will always find solace

in the memories as I do.

Linda

It seems darker now,

now that you’re gone-

The breeze reminds me

of the breath you exhaled

so often in sorrow and

loneliness for someone

we both loved so much.

Twenty years ago

we said goodbye

to your sister, yours of blood

mine of fortune.

Your ashes  scatter, filling

 the emptiness she left behind.

Just when I learned of you,

and why your precious

beating deadened the silence

of loss, you were whisked away

in the dark and I never had a chance

to say goodbye.

Baby Girl (for deverse-May 31,2014)

How it swept me away

like the tide

watching you build castles

in the sand, forever blue

lay beyond.

 That moment

 took my  breath away

 held  tightly, deep within

 knowing I would always

 remember that August day.

Your laughter filling the

 sky, warming-

 more than Sun

The clouds came in

our family distraught

with illness, sad days

filled the blue.

But here we all are

embracing the memory

of your childhood-

 you taught us how

to love baby girl.

Now reluctantly

we let you go

knowing you will change

the world, as you have

changed us.

Redemption (for deverse-In Haphazard Fashion)

Shadow cast

in the luminous flicker

of a feigned smile.

How the voice coils

in retreat, waiting on

itself for a carefully

chosen word-

In hopes of warding off

the pernicious warmth

of a lie told to bar entry

beyond the door

where all I have hidden

waits for redemption. 

Memorial Day

On a stillborn day,

silence weighing heavy

fracturing freedom’s wing-

How they fall

soldiers in a field

fighting someone else's war

not their own-

That battle lay bleeding

on a distant land

overgrown with thorns,

piercing the heart with

unspoken goodbyes

As warriors surrender

to an unsung song.

What Lingers When All is Said and Done (for deverse, questions of identity)

It’s still there,

The emptiness-

Woman I never knew

still remembering

her stormy eyes

clouded by an illness

I never understood

Even now, all I have

ever learned doesn’t feed

the silence between the hours

When I lie awake beneath

an all knowing moon

set in a mysterious sky

illuminating a darkness

It doesn’t tell me

the things I need to know.

That child felt alone

the woman I have become

still tries to fill the shadow

my mother left behind.

Cradle

I remember the scent

of each one-

How it created a longing

to cradle them close to my heart

where their beginnings were born.

 Feeling tiny hands

 caress my face,

 whispering stone-set love.

To rock them gently

through all the turbulence

as the earth revolved in sync

with the endless sweep of time,

forcing me to let go

bit by bit-

The ache

it leaves behind.

Secrets (for deverse-May 6 2014; Trees)

Forest-

dark, thick with

rooted certainty-

echoes of an old song reborn

At the mercy

of currents

in thoughtless motion

pushing

 into the deep hard places

sharp with memory.

 Limbs holding truth

 bound to earth

 giving breath

reaching to sky,

 whispering leaves-

shedding secrets.

Sojourn

Did I abandon

my body

when she grew tired

of nurturing all but herself?

Bitterness filling

a now fruitless womb.

How stale the taste of age

on the tongue of one who

longs for new.

Letting them go,

no easy task

for forever loving them.

Still I remember

the joy of their years

sharing that part of myself I see

 leaving for an unknown place.

Always bound

to taunt heartstrings

like a harp

the music slow and mournful

with a painful beauty of leaving

it all behind.

Still the echoes

fill the years-

Loving was not always easy

the emptiness it leaves-

.

 In a darkened room

 filled with shadows,

 I gather memories, stored

safe in the deepest marrow

She-Wolf (for deverse Animal Symbolism)

Isn’t she lonely?

Matriarch

pacing with the hungry

pack.

Waiting for her to decide

all things, mother earth

beneath her feet

trembling with all

 the world’s weight.

She herself carries

A brood of lost,

half-blinded by the darkness

sun doesn’t show her the way,

familiar paths guide;

dark forests forbid.

Still she ventures

 instinct carries

the burden,

bowing to the greatness

of a silent knowing.

Save them.

Save them,

the ancient words

echo between stone

always she hears the

whispering, bone-born chant-

Dying would be easy,

carrying fate

breaks solitary wishes.

I've Got Half a Mind

I’ve got half a mind

to steal my life-

The part I gave away

to love

how it chained me,

captured heart-

Beating to another's

always bleeding

filling someone else's veins.   

I’ve got a half a mind

to take it back, it’s just

too late.

Once I gave it away

it will never find it’s

way home.

Nightsong

Doesn’t it whisper

in the dark

when all is still

beneath frozen foundations?

Leaving ourselves behind

taking another path

we deemed as destiny

blinded by hope-

Dancing with someone else's

shadow, always dreaming

of the one we sacrificed

her song as distant as stars.

How did we ever forget

the words?

What We Have Left Behind

A bloodline mix-
Compassion, fear

 Love

 painful thing

 when objects of affection fall,

 shattering our reflection.

 Ever-changing

 all consuming-

 "Fixed"-

 it’s never the same

 some pieces no longer fit

We discard them,

build anew

and wait for the next storm
inside our fortress-

Only to discover
all things break

We build again

Holding palms to heaven

pleading for strength

to face a different world,

always missing what we

have left behind.

Sun

You burn

right through me-

                         

Bright star of hope-

I am growing thin on promises,

cold in your absence

Digging deep

into a frozen wasteland

always a new beginning rises.

Another past

I leave behind

arms outstretched,

I ask for more.

Insatiable being

time can’t hold back

the desire to shine.

Still the shadows,

lock me in.

Forest of discontent

limbs offering another

stranglehold-

You burn
right through me-

Will I ever be free?

Dark Paradise (Mindlovemisery Prompt 46, Bitter loathing)

Is this what you promised me,

a dark paradise filled with piercing

thorns, bleeding endlessly, anemic

with love?

The pallor of promises,

ghost white in all the lies

in which I strangle a self

never born.

Breathe me in-

Tell sorry to stone,

petrified by empty words.

I will wait all my days

for what I have never tasted.

Dad (For deverse 02/27/14 Character)

Red hair, green eyes

thin frame, heavy

of spirit.

Man of honor

held it in,

suffocating on all

he held back.

Loving someone

who never knew

what that really meant.

Had to save the child

many times from the

loveless world she

tried to escape from,

first with church,

then with young love

turned bitter.

Dad-

Drove an old 55 Chevy pickup

battered, it fit like a glove,

tired, yet still on strong legs

they rode off, always returning

to a place, never a haven, always

choking, heart dying from the

choices which never seemed like

choices at all.

Made a bed, he never could

sleep in with any peace, held

the covers wishing, always wishing.

Dying in that bed, dreams

held tightly as he remembered

how hard he tried.

Mom

I always-

missed you mom

so detached, linked

to a world not mine.

Loving me

was not an option

illness took that away

buried  deep

in a crowd of voices

only you could hear.

I know now

you’re in a different place-

Heaven it’s called and in

the midst of angels

you look down upon me

and remember that you loved me.

Forgotten

She didn’t know my name

only remembered a child-

The child she took

swimming in the brook

behind our house, her house.

She said she never lived there

When I said

“mom, you must remember me.”

 She said-

 she was no one’s mother,

 never had any babies.

Her eyes blue and blank

as if in a dream somewhere

long ago, still young and childless.

She told me of dancing

barefoot in the grass

with a young man

as if it were yesterday.

The young man,

my father fell from grace

and ran off leaving his children

to care for the wife who forgot

his name.

All the years-

erased by a savage

invader who took my mother

to far off places where years

were held by timeless days.

Like a ghost she haunts the past

leaving me lonely.

.

Burning

In a proud fire

she burned

clad in ashen righteousness.

Martyrdom-

she never sought

it found her

clenching fairness

from the game.

Winning

was always the goal

but being right

left a scorching heat

melting away all the victory.

Standing alone

with her prize

she wondered

if a curse had not been

bestowed upon her

as she blew the ashes

into the still air

suffocating in their

lingering dust-

 And the years still

 remained the same.

Outside Eden

Sometimes

I wish to be held

and not hated

for all the things

I did wrong.

Sometimes

I wish to be heard

between the angry words

which fill the space

between us.

Sometimes I wish

you could see

my reflection in your tears.

 I am just as lost-

In my human guise

there beats a tender heart

I have hidden deep inside

yours

which you have closed,

afraid it will tear again.

Healing never takes place

with bloodletting

and so I weep for you and I.

Sketchbook (for deverse 02/08/2014)

Sketchbook

Candles-

How the light flickers

shadows dance

true colors imerge

from the dark places-

The lightness of words-

growing heavy.

The hating of years

show their scars

in spite of fire’s illusion,

The pain aches once again-

If she could, she’d deafen

the other ear, and memory

would lie, as it’s split-forked

tongue learned long ago.  

“I never thought you were

 worth fighting for,”

 he said with spite.

“I never thought -

 you were worth saving,” but

 once upon a time, before truth

 reared its ugly head, she did.

I Remember My Bones (For deverse, Repetition 02/01/2014)

I remember

my bones-

Strong,

pure and silent

Carrying me

through years

I remember my bones

filled with all the destinies

of my kin

The pain of their burdens

bearing down

upon sunburned brows

In lazy fields

a harvest waiting.

I remember

my  bones-

Etched by the sharp

edge of time

I rock them gently

for they are mine.